Aries | Taurus | Gemini | Cancer | Leo | Virgo | Libra
Scorpio | Sagittarius | Capricorn | Aquarius | Pisces

My, what a big pile of Chanukah gelt you have there, Aries. Are you sure you don't want to share? Aw, you didn't find the Afikoman this year. Do you really have to kick and scream about it? You're the spoiled brat of Judaism, who won't rest until things go your way right away. Once you've established dominion, you'll practice random acts of generosity and self-important charitable giving. Where we'll find you: showing off your debate team trophies, ordering specially-prepared items at a restaurant, sulking until everyone pays attention to you.

Brunches, showers, perfectly-planned dinner parties...Taurus is forever hosting them, just for the opportunity to show off your refined tastes and divulge your latest conspiracy theory. Books by tortured authors will be stacked around your well-decorated parlor, so guests can see how smart and angst-ridden you are (such drama!). They'll also want to notice how attractive and talented and interesting—and oh yeah, perfect—you are. Wait, is this a contest or something? Where we'll find you: fixing your hair for the billionth time, one-upping a rival, earnestly preparing for the coming of the Messiah

Why is this sign different from all other signs? Why are there only four questions? For Geminis, everything's a question, compounding the whole idea that Jews answer questions with questions. For you, life is a debate, and the whole questioning business is a way of getting what you want by thoroughly confusing everyone. Where we'll find you: loudly criticizing someone's outfit or behavior, fast-talking people into doing your bidding

You're so in touch with your "inner Jewish mother," you make yourself guilty. All the time, in fact. Then there's your need to be thrifty, to buy wholesale, to clip coupons with a compulsion that causes you to sleep at odd hours and lash out at anyone within firing distance. Waste not, want not. There are people starving, after all. Still, you're the ultimate nurturer. You'd give anyone the shirt off your back—if only for a chance to show off your chest. Where we'll find you: rummaging through discount bins, haggling over the price of an "Ask Me About My Grandchildren" T-shirt.


Who knows one? Leo knows one! Who wants to carry the Torah? Look, it's Leo charging up to the bima again! You arrive early at the synagogue, draped in shimmering fabrics, outrageous hats, and expensive suits—and you know all the prayers by heart. After the service, you bring baked goods and finger puppets, warming the hearts of families in the congregation (and "innocently" upstaging the rabbi). Small children love you—almost as much as you love yourself. Where we'll find you: leading a ten-week synagogue youth trip, toiling merrily on an agricultural kibbutz, teaching Israeli folk dance

You're the ultimate rabbi—introspective, self-righteous, endowed with a major G-d complex. You need to heal and take care of people. And who better than a congregation of worshippers, convinced that you alone can lead them to the Almighty? With your gentle voice, soft hymns, and concerned way of listening, the devoted dependents are sure to come a-clinging. When your overwhelming fans want you to expose your own human weakness, you'll escape on a six-month "spirtual pilgrimage" to Jerusalem. Where we'll find you: quietly davening in public (where everyone will see how pious you are), volunteering with the elderly, meditating in a Zen-inspired Sukkah.

The Jewish holidays start at sundown sharp, and Libras everywhere have set their watches. There must be order and perfection, after all. Your home is your castle, and you are its prince or princess. You'll marry someone who will attend to your every demand—and you'll stay single until that perfect match comes along. You could put a yenta out of business with your pickiness. Where we'll find you: onstage peforming bitter improv, photographing nature scenes, at a salon having your press-on nails painted

Did you know that ancient rabbis knew thousands of sacred sexual positions? Isn't the Kaballah sexy? Wow, Scorpio, I've never seen anyone wear fishnets to High Holiday services before. We know you want to get into law school, but do you really need to study that hard? You're so intense, you could light Shabbat candles just by staring at them long enough. Where we'll find you: cutting Hebrew class to fool around with the janitor, plotting to seduce your rabbi

If you crossed a Las Vegas lounge singer with a neurotic control freak, you'd have Sagittarius. Forever resentful of the power elite, you invent new subcultures just so you can be the boss. Post-reconstructionist information-age Judaism, you say? Aha. And you're traveling to Botswana to study with a small sect of Jews there? How interesting. Now go take your Prozac. Where we'll find you: reinventing Judaism on the Internet, angst-ridden on your therapist's couch

Aren't you making Bubbe and Zayde proud, with your business school degree and perfect little job at the consulting firm? If only you could be happy about it. (If only they knew all your kinky little secrets.) But it's kvetch, kvetch, kvetch and worry, worry, worry. Like a mensch, you keep plodding along anyhow, occasionally driving everyone else crazy along the way. Where we'll find you: climbing the corporate ladder, performing drag in your mother's housedress

If "Jewish" and "activist" are synonymous, it's because of Aquarius. Drawn to the the underdog, you're everywhere help is needed, arriving with a picket sign, hash brownies and a twelve-string guitar. You're an idealist who will scold a school bully for picking on the less fortunate. With your subversive and scatterbrained tendencies, you're the quirky teacher's pet who occasionally does time in detention. You could spend time as a political prisoner in a foreign country. Where we'll find you: lobbying at city hall, moderating a Trekkie convention, teaching finger-painting to underprivileged children

Guilt trips? You've been on so many that you're earning frequent flyer miles.You're a masochist in combat boots, an angst-filled beat poet who dreams about revolution. You always make your gefilte fish by hand. Why? Just so you can scrape your knuckles raw, then demand sympathy from your family and friends, who never appreciate you anyway. Where we'll find you: buying your family's favorite foods in bulk, chain-smoking at an interpretive Jewish poetry slam

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©2001 by Ophira Edut. The hand that rocks the dreidl rules the world.